Posted on October 16, 2018
by Steve Janowick
I envision God and The Devil sitting around the poker table with a few angels and demons flanking them, dealing cards, making bets and working out the details about this new thing called humanity-men in particular. At some point during a contentious game of Stud, God looked at his cards and felt pretty good about the hand. When it came time to place the bet God threw down love, world peace and big boobs. The Devil looked at his hand and only had one pair of deuces. But he thought maybe God was bluffing. He contemplated, just for a second, raising him with taxes and Lifetime Movies but instead he just threw down the cards and folded. He’d have to bet those another day.
The next hand played out a little different. This time it was The Devil who was dealt the favorable cards. And God? Just an ace high. The Devil took two cards from the dealer, and God three. When bet time came, God threw down sunshine and beer. The Devil had the hand of all hands and knew this time that God didn’t. He could see it in his benevolent eyes. So, he saw him then raised him…shrinkage! God, seeing that cocky grin knew he’d been beat, so he folded the hand. The Devil let out a sinister laugh as he gathered up his winnings.
And that’s how I imagine the dreaded shrinkage came to haunt us men-along with sunburns and hangovers.
Now, I’m sure there’s a few of you dudes out there starting out with a zucchini between your legs so a little depreciation in the crotch department isn’t a big deal to you. Go screw yourselves, you lucky bastards! But, for the majority of us, having our normal, average manhood literally morph into a scared turtle head before our eyes (and sometimes hers) is quite the humiliating experience. And the worst part is its unpredictable inclinations. If you’re getting up there in age, suffer from ED, or are tipping the scales, sure, you’re more susceptible. But for all us cats not affected by those factors, why does it happen?
The primary reason? And I’m sure I’m not lifting the lid on some grand secret here, is…temperature change. Especially the cold. When the temperature dips below 60 degrees you can expect all the blood vessels in your body to constrict-including the ones headed to the frank and beans. Some experts say up to a 50% reduction in length and 30% in girth can be expected. I personally think those are conservative numbers. Either way, the only way to bring all the boys back to normalcy is to warm them up. Not too warm, because that has an adverse effect as well. But warm enough to allow steady blood flow from the center of the body to all appendages.
If you’re in a marriage like me, or steady relationship, I’m sure there’s been some pretty face-reddening laughs at the expense of Little Willy when you’ve come out of a cold shower or changed clothes after shoveling the snow. But don’t fret. You’re a big boy. Just go in the bathroom, grab a rag, run it under warm water and envelope the team. In a few minutes, you, and the boys, will be back to your winning ways.
And it’ll be you getting the last laugh at The Devil…
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